The second type of OCD in relationships is when an individual becomes fixated on their partner's flaws or perceived shortcomings. A relationship should consist of two people who support each other and help the other to be at their best. But if done on a regular basis, the ramifications to your union can be serious, ultimately tearing away at the bond in your relationship. Strategies that can help you deal with being nitpicked include: Describe the hurt and pain you feel from this behavior. You wonder if its the same partner you went on several dates with, but you need to adjust to them. The childrens rhyme about sticks and stones many of us grew up with was simply trying to convince us otherwise. Hypercriticism. If you've normalized it somehow, trust that gut reaction you had when it happened the first time. It is the stage where you get to know your partner and. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. To make sure don't stay trapped in this unhealthy cycle, we're here to help you cultivate awareness about self-sabotaging . Nitpicking can generally be seen when your partner keeps finding minor details to criticize. Instead of nitpicking your partner, focus on being kind and learning to accept their quirks and habits. . These include baseless, unfair, petty, and insignificant accusations and faults. Rather than focusing on what your partner is not doing, put your efforts towards praising what he/she is doing right. As stated earlier, your partners nitpicking can be because of another reason. Nit-picking Sentence Examples. Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Allow All Cookies. The early part of a typical relationship is usually fun. "If you find yourself routinely choosing not to express your thoughts and feelings in order to maintain the peace, it's very possible that in hindsight you will see this as having accidentally sabotaged the relationship," Bowers says. It is expressed through disapproving, critiquing, correcting, blaming, nitpicking, or fixing. And if it is affecting your relationship and mental well-being, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved. The bottom line is this if it feels bad, it is bad. Attention? While it sounds like a nitpicker does not deserve petting, you should do it. It can be said that nitpicking is a "hereditary disease". A relationship like a marriage brings together two people who most likely have different habits and personalities. This can lead to constant nagging and nitpicking, which can be very frustrating for both parties involved. So what happens if you know that nitpicking is taking over your relationship? When you see your partner, before they can start to nitpick, address the situation first by immediately showing them everything you have done that you know will make them happy so that anything you havent done comes second. Nitpicking means giving attention to little details, trivial issues, or irrelevant things. RELATED: 5 Signs You're Being Verbally Abused And Don't Even Realize It. See additional information. Developing Acceptance Skills in a Relationship, https://hbr.org/2021/02/a-simple-compliment-can-make-a-big-difference, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/322722211_The_Power_of_Listening_Lending_an_Ear_to_the_Partner_During_Dyadic_Coping_Conversations, Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. They are responsible for their own actions. If youre annoyed at your partner, pick the right moment to bring it up with them. Sure, people can make changes and marriage is about adapting to a life together; that's a natural part of it. It's also important to accept that your spouse will have some habits that annoy you. Learn to pick your battles and save your arguments for the big issues (whilefighting fair). Dont give them a reason to comment. Thus, it is best to address it before it accumulates into an emotional rage. To this person, the little issues they see all amount to a much bigger problem that is stopping them from being happy in the relationship. Read our, How to Recognize Verbal Abuse and Bullying, 6 Ways Your Partner Might Be Patronizing You. 2023byTango Publishing Corporation All Rights Reserved. When you feel like picking out a flaw, turn your own thinking around to simply be kind and show respect. When they raise their voice to intimidate or frighten you, this is toxic, abusive behavior. Also, it is insensitive and illogical to say this when someone is going through a problem. Try not to bring up something they need to fix when theyre not in a position to fix it, like when they are on their way out somewhere. Over time, if one partner is always being criticized by the other, theyre going to lose their confidence to be able to do anything right. How do you stop if youre the one whos nitpicking? having a strong sense of independence. Subconsciously, this could be because you have a fear of rejection and abandonment, and by getting angry and causing the problems yourself, you feel like you're "beating them to the punch," Bowers says. Theres an underlying reason thats causing you to be frustrated. termination, paycut) in order to have a viable claim. How to stop nitpicking (If you are getting nitpicked), How to Share Your Feelings With Your Spouse. Regardless of which term you use, the effects are the same: constantly looking for, finding, and pointing out faults in your partner can easily lead to tension, resentment, and strife, and ultimately it can cause contention in an otherwise loving relationship. Dont take out your own anger and frustrations on your partner just because you dont know how to manage your own emotions. 5 Crucial Qualities to Seek in a Partner | Psychology Today You should respect each other if you want a balanced, equal relationship that will remain strong. This will enable you both to engage in a reasonable discussion. There will still be times when you think youve done everything you can and your partner still finds something to criticize you about. Criticism is frequently doled out in the form of "you always" or "you never" statements. If you know that your partner has a tendency to nitpick, then beat them to it and get the jobs done that you know theyll comment on. They say love is blind and, often, we are blinded to the reality of the dynamic of our most intimate relationships. Check the following signs of a nitpicky person: One of the signs of a nitpicky person is the constant need for things to be flawless. Nitpicking In A Relationship (31 Tips To Stop Nitpicking) Behav Ther. and make them question your intention towards the relationship. But if their behavior is making you lose confidence in yourself and driving you away from them, then its best to tell them so they can start working on how to better communicate with you. Click here if youd like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero provide and the process of getting started. Here's some examples of an effective "flip" statement: Partner A: "You're driving me crazy with your nitpicking." Partner B: "What about you? Nitpicking is an act in which the nitpicking partner finds fault with everything the partner does, even the most irrelevant things. Its not always the fault of the nitpicker, and its not only down to them to make it stop. You tend to overreact during arguments. This keeps you off balance and diminishes your self-worth. For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database. How To Deal With Belittling In A Relationship: 6 Highly Effective Tips! Davin says some ways this might present are: Davin says this is common if you have unresolved past hurts like if your ex partner cheated on you and you don't trust your current partner to be loyal. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. NITPICK | definition in the Cambridge English Dictionary The Nitpicker | Family Matters The willingness to keep talking. 24 Signs Of A Toxic Relationship - What Is A Toxic Relationship? RELATED: How To Stop Verbal Abuse With One Simple Trick. Above all, keep respect at the heart of everything you do. Besides, that statement will do nothing but aggravate whatever issue is on the ground. 1. There will always be a level of compromise, but if you want your relationship to work, you need to work together to find a way where the both of you can minimize the nitpicking and maximize your understanding of each other and your own self-awareness. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Here are 6 common examples you need to watch out for. Your partner might not get everything right all the time, but the more negative you are about their efforts, the less theyre going to keep trying to make you happy. If you need to take some space until youve both calmed down, then take it, but try to avoid it ending in an argument. Its a natural instinct to be more open to someone whos nice to you, so use that in your own relationship. I told you so. is another example of nitpicking. When someone is feeling disordered in other parts of their life, and as if theyre losing control, taking control over something that is within reach is a way of making them feel as though theyre getting a grip back on their life. 1. One study found that people with social anxiety are more prone to nitpick their partners. It is a different case if there are tangible reasons for rejecting the advice. But I was so used to habitually doing everything for myself, that I often didn't give it much thought. Even if this isn't your intention, it can be received this way. Constantly showing support to your partner is a way to tell them they have a strong backbone. If you tend to punish yourself after every mistake or error in your activities, there is a high chance you will nitpick on your partner. Assessing your own needs and emotions can help you address your feelings without nitpicking. You can also do your best to be supportive of your spouse. What Is Nitpicking in a Relationship? How to Prevent or Stop It? Routinely checking your partner's location when there isn't a real need for it. Put yourself in your partners shoes and think about how and when to approach the subject. Appreciate that your partner may not approach things in the same way as you and, even if they dont do something perfectly in your eyes, know when theyre trying their best. Most of the time, the things were nitpicking about arent really whats upsetting us. . J Psychol. That can. Verbally abusive behavior is a power play to exert control over you. You might find that there are times when your partner nitpicks at you more than others. For example, psychologist Robert Sternberg suggests three main components of love: passion, intimacy, and decision/commitment. If nitpicking has crossed a line from an annoying level of perfectionism to emotional abuse, it is important to seek help. Rather than immediately pick on the negatives, teach yourself to focus on the positives in everything theyve done first. Its demotivating to think you cant do anything right, and could in turn, make one partner stop trying to please the other all together because they never feel as though theyre appreciated. It can be easy to pick apart aspects of your partner that you dislike or don't agree with. nitpick meaning: 1. to find faults in details that are not important: 2. to find faults in details that are not. As partners know each other more, specific attributes and habits will start surfacing. Youre turning a negative situation into a positive and encouraging your partner to do the same, so anything that doesnt quite match their expectations doesnt seem so important anymore. If so, no one will be able to meet your expectations and you'll always be disappointed. You could have tidied the whole house but forgotten to do just one job and that will be the one thing they mention as soon as they come home. with everything you have, including your awesome behavior and attitude. As you get acquainted with each other, issues and certain attitudes start jumping out. We rationalize, excuse, and accept behaviors that are, in fact, abusive. You'll both be happier in the long run if you learn to deal with each other's quirks without quarreling. If shame and guilt make you uncomfortable, then your words and actions do more to your partner. A compliment can be far more helpful. You're also saying that you want the other person to change and that they aren't good enough. Sentences. You might have been annoyed at them all day, or noticed something they didnt do as soon as you got home, but you dont want your first interaction of the evening to be a negative one.